Putting a Black Swan Baby on a Diet

Dieting While Pregnant May Harm My BABY! 

This study, profiled in what I can only assume is a European style of journalism on the Diet Blog, is chock full of Generally Bad Ideas. Some highlights:

The study was carried out in baboons: I guess there was a shortage of lab rats, trailer-park teens, bastard bunnies, and chimps. Otherwise, why would you want to look at baboons everyday? I'd rather make out with a praying mantis.

Old face, young body: The Curious Case of Benjamin Baboon.

Did you know that dieting during pregnancy can damage a baby’s brain? – How’s that for a "head start" on life?

The Diet Blog uses the word "foetus" – Think about it: these are brain-damaged fetuses, they don't need any more letters in their names. The only possible outcome is confusion. On the count of 1, every fetus in the room, say “Feed us!”

Quotes:

• “One group ate as much as they wanted during the first half of pregnancy while the other group was fed 30 percent less.” Statement of the year, in my opinion. "Hey buddy, what diet are you on? Oh really? I’m on the 'You eat whatever you want and I eat 30% less' diet. Want to join me?”

• The scientists in the study called out teen moms and old ladies, pleading “Don’t have babies.” Apparently this increases the chance of the baby being born to a teen mother or an old lady, which is a Generally Bad Idea.

• “Other experts have agreed that dieting is a bad idea in pregnancy.” OF COURSE!!!!! Even experts know that following through on Generally Bad Ideas can be harmful to NOT ONLY YOURSELF, BUT BABIES EVERYWHERE!

So, let's say you just got pregnant (see any other post on here for how to accomplish pregnancy if you’re looking to conceive). What diet should you follow to make sure that your baby has no chance of being smart?

In case you didn't know what to do, the very next post on the Diet Blog is about 

The Black Swan Diet 

Are you serious? Black swan? How common are those? Sick of this blog’s rampant racism and swan support, I wrote to their editor-in-chief: a know-it-all going by the name of Natalie Portman, who is also the subject of the article. Seems she was too busy “filming” to respond. I can only take this to mean she was eating two berries a day and practicing high-speed vomiting into a porcelain poop community. That's what "filming" means to me.

So, what should you do if you want to become a Black Swan? Simple: “starve [yourself] and train intensely.” Brilliant. Next step: ask yourself rhetorical questions like

“Don’t people realize that movies aren't reality and what we see on the big screen, whether it be skinny or extremely muscular, came at a high price with much help from experts in nutrition and personal training?” 

After asking yourself such probing questions, your psyche should be so shook up that a trip to the porcelain ballroom is the only logical next dance step. Continue along this path until your baby holds up a white flag and says "Fuckit, u win. I'll start eading my brayn sells sinse you seam incappabul of feeding me."

Two Babies, One Father, No Pick-up Line

"I am unable to reproduce" never has been and never will be a socially acceptable pick-up line. The negative acceptability quotient is infinitely multiplied if

(a) you live outside of China or (b) you actually are fertile...

...fertile like a crescent moon, a cold sore at Hot Topic, or Shawn Kemp. Even though most Game theorists (imagine Russel Crowe playing Mystery!) would agree that the conversion ratio on such a poorly worded introduction would be lower than the Reign Man’s career three-point field-goal-percentage, there is a small chance that some poor lass - some unfortunate combination of dumb/drunk/horny - would fall heels over thighs for your fabricated low-sperm count legend.

Real recognize real but dumb has a profound inability to identify its own likeness. Just like a bird in a truck is worth two cheeps in a jeep, chances are this psuedo-tard you've inconceivably propositioned has a wing-woman with similarly questionable instincts. Think back to high school, when the other kids were in "numbers" class. You cleaned the ovens while the lunch lady explained to you with a handful of rotten baby carrots how two negatives can sometimes equal a positive.


Or was that double positive? Shit, you don't remember. Well...



Karma is a sit-down-and-shut-the-fuck-up comedian. Kinda like Dennis Leary. Also like Dennis Leary, karma is an asshole.

Nine month’s later you wake up to the smell of expired potential and the sound of two diaper-eating kids screaming to their respective mothers for nipple access. The situation reminds you of the basement your dad blew himself up in when he found out you were having retarded twins by different mothers. Life just doesn't have the same snap, crackle, pop! that it used to, so you've turned to slaps, crack and pot to help modulate your mediocrity. Welcome to Fatherhood. Also, welcome to tax breaks you had no reason to look forward to just a year ago.

You sit down to write out possible alternatives to what you could have said back then, back when you had the audacity to hope that telling the least attractive chicken in the hen-house that you couldn't lay eggs would get your eggs scrambled. Here's what you could/should have said:

• "I graduated from Old School High School; I still write with a quill. Have you any ink, Octopussy?" 
• "I'll buy you a drink if I can borrow your phone number for this credit card application I've been working on." 
• "Can you bend over and check the floor? I dropped my pick-up line around here somewhere." 
• "I swear I recognize your voice from the Suicide Hotline..."
• "You can call me Rhett or Rick; but don't ask me rhetorical questions. Do you like to hear pick-up lines? 
• "I forgot to register for next month's erection. Do you any idea where I can sign up?"