Donating Plasma from the LHC

Quarks and plasma... it's all the same in the dark. Unless it's dark matter. 

Let's talk about what would happen if somehow you were brilliant enough to sneak plasma out of the Large Hadron Collider, but just stupid enough to try and then make money off that plasma at the Red Cross.

According to the Red Cross' website, their sole purpose as a non-profit entitity is to 

"Rid the world of blood shortages through tricking people who already have money to experience blood loss for no money. This is accomplished by appealing to a worldwide network of people who suffer from delusional self-worth." 

"Shit I look good."

I've always been of the opinion that even donating double platelets would only yield just enough blood to reverse the death effects of three blind mice trying to commit suicide the old-fashioned way - with owl talons. For now I'll focus on mice; there just isn't enough blood in my body to have any effect on another human. Side note: look into vampirism. Sider note: don't look into a mirror for vampirism.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! As pointless as it is to try to save the world through tossing off a few pints of blood, you should do it anyway. Why? Because even Chinese lesbians are doing it. 

But enough about boring old blood. The story begins to get more exciting when you introduce the character of plasma, who will be played here by Conan. Conan is worth a little more than the rest of us basic blood types, if only because it is harder to get him to divulge his secrets; his crimson wares, his little red school blouse. The easiest way to derive Conan from nature - aside from unleashing him from your internal cables into a limpid, life-saving sack - is to shoot hot sciency ionicles at each other until they collide. The resulting product, its existence so short it's almost a joke, is what we know as Conan.

"I have a 17 mile penis."

This quote might help explain things better. From "Hunting for 'Sparticles'," an article on the Large Handjob Collider.

Meanwhile, scientists smashing protons together at nearly the speed of light announced they are getting closer to narrowing the search for dark matter, that invisible stuff that can be detected only by its tug on normal matter.

So basically, even as scientists search to find the cure, we have dark matter sneaking around giving tug jobs to us pieces of normal matter at their pleasure. The LHC was designed to speed up this masturbatory process. The resulting output of these ultra-quick tug jobs is a Conan. Conan is worth a lot of money.

So let's say you have managed to steal this Conan, and you're storing it in a parallel universe (because heaven knows it's unstable in this one). When do you bring it back? How do you go about getting maximum dollar for it? Your typical Red Cross doesn't have the kind of cash or credit you're going to need to make the transfer worthwhile. Add to your troubles the fact that during the transfer you're likely to blow up the entire universe... and you've got some major insurance issues to work out.

How to Donate Plasma from the LHC to the Red Cross:

1. Text Dan Brown - Nothing can stabilize Conan like a Demon and nothing can woo the Red Cross like an Angel. Dan Brown has access to both, and he probably isn't doing anything today.
2. Wear ear and ass plugs - Conan seeks solace in your innards. Remember, you don't want him in you, you want him in your bank account. Ear plugs keep him from talking his way in, ass plugs keep him from thinking about creating black holes.
3. Break me off a piece of that glacier - You're going to want to keep Conan cold or he won't be worth any money. Might I suggest using the Titanic as a lunch bucket and a mid-size glacier as an icepack. Or, you know, whatever you have laying around the backyard. 
4. Kill your accountant - If you don't have one, get one, and then kill him. I can't tell you how many people I've seen fail at kidnapping Conan just because their accountant panicked while they were strapping Conan to a chair with string theory. 
5. Take Iron pills - Yes, I know you've got nerves of steel. But the donation center will reject you outright if you don't have the mettle to prove your metal count. 

There you have it. You're still likely to fail miserably, but at least now you know a bit more about how Conan works and how to avoid structurally unsound blood-sheds.

Putting a Black Swan Baby on a Diet

Dieting While Pregnant May Harm My BABY! 

This study, profiled in what I can only assume is a European style of journalism on the Diet Blog, is chock full of Generally Bad Ideas. Some highlights:

The study was carried out in baboons: I guess there was a shortage of lab rats, trailer-park teens, bastard bunnies, and chimps. Otherwise, why would you want to look at baboons everyday? I'd rather make out with a praying mantis.

Old face, young body: The Curious Case of Benjamin Baboon.

Did you know that dieting during pregnancy can damage a baby’s brain? – How’s that for a "head start" on life?

The Diet Blog uses the word "foetus" – Think about it: these are brain-damaged fetuses, they don't need any more letters in their names. The only possible outcome is confusion. On the count of 1, every fetus in the room, say “Feed us!”

Quotes:

• “One group ate as much as they wanted during the first half of pregnancy while the other group was fed 30 percent less.” Statement of the year, in my opinion. "Hey buddy, what diet are you on? Oh really? I’m on the 'You eat whatever you want and I eat 30% less' diet. Want to join me?”

• The scientists in the study called out teen moms and old ladies, pleading “Don’t have babies.” Apparently this increases the chance of the baby being born to a teen mother or an old lady, which is a Generally Bad Idea.

• “Other experts have agreed that dieting is a bad idea in pregnancy.” OF COURSE!!!!! Even experts know that following through on Generally Bad Ideas can be harmful to NOT ONLY YOURSELF, BUT BABIES EVERYWHERE!

So, let's say you just got pregnant (see any other post on here for how to accomplish pregnancy if you’re looking to conceive). What diet should you follow to make sure that your baby has no chance of being smart?

In case you didn't know what to do, the very next post on the Diet Blog is about 

The Black Swan Diet 

Are you serious? Black swan? How common are those? Sick of this blog’s rampant racism and swan support, I wrote to their editor-in-chief: a know-it-all going by the name of Natalie Portman, who is also the subject of the article. Seems she was too busy “filming” to respond. I can only take this to mean she was eating two berries a day and practicing high-speed vomiting into a porcelain poop community. That's what "filming" means to me.

So, what should you do if you want to become a Black Swan? Simple: “starve [yourself] and train intensely.” Brilliant. Next step: ask yourself rhetorical questions like

“Don’t people realize that movies aren't reality and what we see on the big screen, whether it be skinny or extremely muscular, came at a high price with much help from experts in nutrition and personal training?” 

After asking yourself such probing questions, your psyche should be so shook up that a trip to the porcelain ballroom is the only logical next dance step. Continue along this path until your baby holds up a white flag and says "Fuckit, u win. I'll start eading my brayn sells sinse you seam incappabul of feeding me."