Donating Plasma from the LHC

Quarks and plasma... it's all the same in the dark. Unless it's dark matter. 

Let's talk about what would happen if somehow you were brilliant enough to sneak plasma out of the Large Hadron Collider, but just stupid enough to try and then make money off that plasma at the Red Cross.

According to the Red Cross' website, their sole purpose as a non-profit entitity is to 

"Rid the world of blood shortages through tricking people who already have money to experience blood loss for no money. This is accomplished by appealing to a worldwide network of people who suffer from delusional self-worth." 

"Shit I look good."

I've always been of the opinion that even donating double platelets would only yield just enough blood to reverse the death effects of three blind mice trying to commit suicide the old-fashioned way - with owl talons. For now I'll focus on mice; there just isn't enough blood in my body to have any effect on another human. Side note: look into vampirism. Sider note: don't look into a mirror for vampirism.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! As pointless as it is to try to save the world through tossing off a few pints of blood, you should do it anyway. Why? Because even Chinese lesbians are doing it. 

But enough about boring old blood. The story begins to get more exciting when you introduce the character of plasma, who will be played here by Conan. Conan is worth a little more than the rest of us basic blood types, if only because it is harder to get him to divulge his secrets; his crimson wares, his little red school blouse. The easiest way to derive Conan from nature - aside from unleashing him from your internal cables into a limpid, life-saving sack - is to shoot hot sciency ionicles at each other until they collide. The resulting product, its existence so short it's almost a joke, is what we know as Conan.

"I have a 17 mile penis."

This quote might help explain things better. From "Hunting for 'Sparticles'," an article on the Large Handjob Collider.

Meanwhile, scientists smashing protons together at nearly the speed of light announced they are getting closer to narrowing the search for dark matter, that invisible stuff that can be detected only by its tug on normal matter.

So basically, even as scientists search to find the cure, we have dark matter sneaking around giving tug jobs to us pieces of normal matter at their pleasure. The LHC was designed to speed up this masturbatory process. The resulting output of these ultra-quick tug jobs is a Conan. Conan is worth a lot of money.

So let's say you have managed to steal this Conan, and you're storing it in a parallel universe (because heaven knows it's unstable in this one). When do you bring it back? How do you go about getting maximum dollar for it? Your typical Red Cross doesn't have the kind of cash or credit you're going to need to make the transfer worthwhile. Add to your troubles the fact that during the transfer you're likely to blow up the entire universe... and you've got some major insurance issues to work out.

How to Donate Plasma from the LHC to the Red Cross:

1. Text Dan Brown - Nothing can stabilize Conan like a Demon and nothing can woo the Red Cross like an Angel. Dan Brown has access to both, and he probably isn't doing anything today.
2. Wear ear and ass plugs - Conan seeks solace in your innards. Remember, you don't want him in you, you want him in your bank account. Ear plugs keep him from talking his way in, ass plugs keep him from thinking about creating black holes.
3. Break me off a piece of that glacier - You're going to want to keep Conan cold or he won't be worth any money. Might I suggest using the Titanic as a lunch bucket and a mid-size glacier as an icepack. Or, you know, whatever you have laying around the backyard. 
4. Kill your accountant - If you don't have one, get one, and then kill him. I can't tell you how many people I've seen fail at kidnapping Conan just because their accountant panicked while they were strapping Conan to a chair with string theory. 
5. Take Iron pills - Yes, I know you've got nerves of steel. But the donation center will reject you outright if you don't have the mettle to prove your metal count. 

There you have it. You're still likely to fail miserably, but at least now you know a bit more about how Conan works and how to avoid structurally unsound blood-sheds.