Dying at a Super Bowl Party

There are a lot of good ways and a lot of good reasons to have a heart attack. Maybe you come home to discover a scene in which your wife is getting frisky with Fido. Phenomenal time to die.

Perhaps you just finished off two roast beef sandwiches and entire year's worth of well-written Playboy articles. No better time to get in touch with your heartbeat.

But at a Super Bowl party? What good is that? You ruin the entire Super Bowl experience for your friends, you don't get to see the end of the game, and the money you bet on the Packers goes to Brett Favre's favorite charity: a stripper working out of a cow barn.

Fool-proof checklist for living through the Super Bowl:

Break out the baby pictures - Revisiting the time you plucked the family chicken completely naked and used the feathers to build a fort guarantees enough karmic propulsion to survive at least two more Super Bowls.
Watch the game on mute - Even listening to heavy metal is sure to have you more even-keeled at the end of the game than listening to idiocy on repeat.
Watch the Puppy Bowl during half-time - Rumored to extend life expectancy by a year and coyote genitals by an inch, the Puppy Bowl is revered by experts as one of the "Top Ten Reasons the Apocalypse Hasn't Happened Yet." 

CNN Article on Super Massive Heart Tickles