Disarm a bomb based on "heavy cinematic experience"
Tick. The night is going by slowly. You've been chatting up the coat rack in the corner... and that isn't a metaphor. You've been chatting with the coat rack. Suddenly, Wendell's cousin busts down the screen door with a plastic knife from KFC, blabbering on about some bomb scare at the sperm bank. Of course, your ears perk up because the sperm bank is where you got the low-interest loan for the boob job.
Tock. No one seems to be volunteering to look into the potential bombing. You scenarioize in your head and decide there's really no way you aren't doing it. Your girlfriend has a 24-hour webcam trained on the sperm bank so you know she'll know that you "disarmed the bomb" and will probably let you play with her for the first time in weeks. I mean, what girl isn't going to let you disarm her from that 18th century frock after watching you save the sperm bank that gave you the loan so that she could get a boob job so she could show her friends her new coat rack. After thinking about this, you're so worked up that another party-goer takes one look at you and screams "This guy wants to disarm the bomb! Hooray!" Everyone is cheering, champagne is dripping from the ceiling fan, and you know that you're going to have to try one of the hardest things in the world...
...capturing a Rare Animal without using the Buddy System
Tick. To take down the bomb you're going to need a buddy. You are pretty self-aware; you know that you work best within the comeraderie comfort zone of a snowy white owl. Problem is, in order to catch this owl buddy, you're going to need a buddy to help track it down. Owls are among the most pretentious pieces of shit you'll ever meet; they won't even look at you unless you're toting someone famous alongside. Then they get all nervous and cross-eyed when asking for an autograph even though we all know they have 20/10 vision.
Tock. You know the history of the owl you want to work with. It grew up in the park across the street from where they filmed Full House, so you know it will work best if you approach it with one of the actors from the show. You're going to need John Stamos, goddammit. But to get to him, you're going to have to...
...take Pictures of Government Officials
Tick. Only the government knows where John Stamos is. To get anywhere in your negotiations with the Agency, you are forced into taking surveillance photos of high-profile senators lollipopping homeless men in the mouth with thick cans of creamed corn. You feel dirty, but it pays off when "an unnamed political official" from Georgia gives you an invisibility clock and $10,000 in very marked bills to delete said photos. The Senator then informs you that John is hiding in a bomb shelter halfway down an elevator shaft at the sperm bank. You throw away the invisibility clock because time and time again you can't find it to hit the snooze button when the alarm goes off: useless. With the $10,000, you buy an invisibility cloak and penetrate the sperm bank. John Stamos is just getting off of a treadmill with his pet koala slouched across his shoulders. You open your mouth to say something, but it is a Generally Bad Idea to...
...Tock. to John Stamos
Like a pie chart at a circle jerk convention, John Stamos is the most colorful dyke at the geography store. He breathes louder than a meteor-gasm hitting a black hole and he orates with more passion than Kayne West at a vagitarian picnic. You know you need John to flirt with the star-struck owl but hell, conversing with him is going to be harder than clipping those crematorium coupons after your godmother died.
You notice that the koala looks impervious to the poisonous pheromones seeping from Stamos, and you
deduce that this is one badass, battle-tested bamboo consumerist. If any sidekick can help you disarm a bomb, it's this koala. Fuck the owl. So you kill John with the truth - by showing him the comments on his IMDB page - and take the koala for yourself. It bites you, but you can tell from the teeth marks that the bomb stands no chance.
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| The koala only needs one bottle of water to refresh after drinking an entire forest fire. |
You can't find a single piece of evidence that a bomb ever existed at the sperm bank, but you do find out that John was there to donate sperm, and that this was frowned upon by most everyone in existence. Basically, all you were was a koala-toting tool used to keep John's sperm out of the bank's safety deposit slot. Job well done. Bravo! To celebrate, you throw a party at the back of your throat and nobody comes but the koala.
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