Trying to scare an eagle
What are you dumb? Well yeah, but, do you have a death wish or something? That's a damn eagle you're playing with. It has talons whereas you have waist-high stacks of trash surrounding your recliner. It can see your underwear growing a moldy personality from a mile away whereas you can't see your underwear without the help of two mirrors and a wet nurse.
Eagles are raised by other eagles and not ignorant parents. When you were sitting around the dinner table shaking your jowls and gesturing for more salt, Mother eagle was screeching obscenities at the kids after pecking Father eagle's eyes out.
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| Eagles aren't interested in you or spelling correctly. |
You got candles on your birthday cake. That eagle you're playing with got a dead hiker's fingers. Let's just be glad the eagle has been claimed by America as a representational mascot. We don't really have to worry about getting eviscerated by a sea scallop, or whatever China's mascot is. So fuck you, China, and scallops.
Raising a Meerkat as a pet
Meerkats are cute... bordering on sexy. They live to die for each other. Posture is their most important subject in school, followed by shitting, nipping, and Math. If you take one meerkat and add one idiot (you), you get disaster incarnate. Aside from the sexual impacts of raising a meerkat - and there is at least one (no sex forever) - here are reasons why it is all but impossible to be a good parent to the fuzzy, phallic creatures:
- Their eyes can penetrate a chastity belt faster than a diamond tipped drill
- They come in multiples of -3; yeah, they don't come...
- They look cute on a leash but no leash is big enough for that ego
- They work cage latches just as well as they work street corners
- They're rumored to have masterminded the downfall of dinosaurs and the upswing of inbreeding in Arkansas in 1990
- Most meerkats have mad cow disease which truly makes them happy
It's just one of those things. Just like doors make better doors then they do windows, meerkats make better sandwiches then they do pets.
Attempting cybersex with web-cammed animals
I'm not going to come out and say that web-camming with a hamster is a bad idea, but I think taking the video chat to the next level and trying to introduce sex is just a tad over-the-top/into-the-bottom.
Really it's just a matter of asking too much. The animal has already done a lot for you. They've gained access to an Internet-connected desktop, they've asked your permission to chat, they've smiled, nodded, and pretended like they understand your slurred speech. Now you want them to watch while you... No. You can't get me to do this. I refuse to give any more time or text to your awful, naughty, slightly alluring idea of what it is to connect with another mammal on a primal level. Send me your MSN butterfly chat name, or whatever they call it, so I can report you to the authorities.
Prolonged eye contact with Sharks/Jets/Lynx
At this point there isn't much to say except "I'm glad you're being deleted from the gene pool." There are certain animals that shouldn't even be in zoos because THEY HATE BEING LOOKED AT!
Sharks don't like to be looked at due to a deep-seeded desire to be invisible. They'll fuck you up if you say they'll never be see-through.
Jets don't have eyes in the literal sense, but they have radar and landing gear which is all that is needed to kill a groundling such as yourself. If you think you can get around this by making eye contact with a sporty Jet, like Mark Sanchez, think again. He comes equipped with the latest gaydar model and is used to taking "evacuative measures." Meaning he orders colonoscopies for everyone who looks at him.
Lynx are purely instinctual and just plain don't like you or me or a pile of platinum bananas. They don't give a shit about anything but padding around on their bigass pussy paws and yowling into your face if you're dumb enough to get close enough to dance. Warning: they will ask you to dance while they shoot vision bullets at your feet. If you get hit... bitch youz done.
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