Why you shouldn't nod off at the bar...

...check yourself before you wet yourself. Bartenders have an inherent and well-documented bias against potential sleepers. This isn't Narnia where the only thing you can't do is jerk off in front of Aslan without proper grooming.

“Let him first be shaved.” ~Aslan

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – Chapter 14

Those aren't sheep you're shaving, they're seconds until you're thrown out of the bar. Buck up, buddy. Or you're fucked.

Be warned.

These aren't the days where you can lay down a fat track of catnap on the bar and snort a line of winks into the dark oblivion of REM heaven. These are the days where - at the slightest sign of a nod - EVERYONE IS UP IN YOUR SHIT!:

• the bouncers
• the tender bartenders
• the barstool
• lucidity
• slot receivers

You showed up to play the game. You showed a tremendous amount of drive and motivation. You fought hard; throwing punches at unseen opponents in the form of Jack & Cokes, shots of tense half-lidded staring, and fancy flights of imported missed connections.

It doesn't matter what you did, because you just got your ass licked out of the bar.

It's not your fault. You know this. But seriously, it's not your fault. I know, you know. But anyway, in case you think this may happen again, here are some tips:

Raise the Roofie - Sometime mid-week, add Rohypnol (the date rape drug) to your post-workout protein smoothie. You're guaranteed a good night's sleep, a spotty memory, and a VIP pass to next year's Darwin Awards. But you should be well rested for the weekend.

Emulate a stupid Italian - Pretend you're on Jersey Shore, knee deep in a dirty ocean of STD soup. Drink a Red Bull and Vodka and don't dare fall asleep for fear of what crabs may wash up onshore.

Wear a heart-rate monitor - May or may not warn you of a sneakup sleep slip-up, but it will be cool to show off to the bouncers as you are getting escorted out.

WWJD? - Jesus was a big fan of water; he walked on it, he turned it into wine, he wept with it. So what would Jesus do? He would order a really expensive bottle of water. Chances are, the type of person you're looking to attract won't know the difference between a Dasani and bottled diamond piss anyway, because you're an idiot and so are they.