Two Babies, One Father, No Pick-up Line

"I am unable to reproduce" never has been and never will be a socially acceptable pick-up line. The negative acceptability quotient is infinitely multiplied if

(a) you live outside of China or (b) you actually are fertile...

...fertile like a crescent moon, a cold sore at Hot Topic, or Shawn Kemp. Even though most Game theorists (imagine Russel Crowe playing Mystery!) would agree that the conversion ratio on such a poorly worded introduction would be lower than the Reign Man’s career three-point field-goal-percentage, there is a small chance that some poor lass - some unfortunate combination of dumb/drunk/horny - would fall heels over thighs for your fabricated low-sperm count legend.

Real recognize real but dumb has a profound inability to identify its own likeness. Just like a bird in a truck is worth two cheeps in a jeep, chances are this psuedo-tard you've inconceivably propositioned has a wing-woman with similarly questionable instincts. Think back to high school, when the other kids were in "numbers" class. You cleaned the ovens while the lunch lady explained to you with a handful of rotten baby carrots how two negatives can sometimes equal a positive.


Or was that double positive? Shit, you don't remember. Well...



Karma is a sit-down-and-shut-the-fuck-up comedian. Kinda like Dennis Leary. Also like Dennis Leary, karma is an asshole.

Nine month’s later you wake up to the smell of expired potential and the sound of two diaper-eating kids screaming to their respective mothers for nipple access. The situation reminds you of the basement your dad blew himself up in when he found out you were having retarded twins by different mothers. Life just doesn't have the same snap, crackle, pop! that it used to, so you've turned to slaps, crack and pot to help modulate your mediocrity. Welcome to Fatherhood. Also, welcome to tax breaks you had no reason to look forward to just a year ago.

You sit down to write out possible alternatives to what you could have said back then, back when you had the audacity to hope that telling the least attractive chicken in the hen-house that you couldn't lay eggs would get your eggs scrambled. Here's what you could/should have said:

• "I graduated from Old School High School; I still write with a quill. Have you any ink, Octopussy?" 
• "I'll buy you a drink if I can borrow your phone number for this credit card application I've been working on." 
• "Can you bend over and check the floor? I dropped my pick-up line around here somewhere." 
• "I swear I recognize your voice from the Suicide Hotline..."
• "You can call me Rhett or Rick; but don't ask me rhetorical questions. Do you like to hear pick-up lines? 
• "I forgot to register for next month's erection. Do you any idea where I can sign up?"