Heavy Petting; The Thrill of the Chase

Buffaloes are long and hairy and full of assholes. Their shared history with humanity is pretty much the same. Buffalo Bill had one of the hairiest and lengthy penises the inside of Anne Oakley ever granted access. Buffalo chips live only to be eaten, but aren't as tasty as celery. Buffalo Wild Wings has weird bathrooms.

On the flip side, dreams come true in Buffalo; baseball and other ground-based sports are now handicap accessible.

What happens in Buffalo stays in a wheelchair.

Who or what can lead these Buffali out of this quandry? Tell you what, it isn't going to be someone's bi son. That would be too easy. No, this Buffolution is going to come from the Canadian countryside; from the great plains of a broken heartland. It is going to come from Bailey, the only Buffalo ever to be smarter than it's Canadian owner (not hard).

Update: Turns out Bailey is a bison, so apparently he isn't the second coming of the Buffalo Jesus unless he plans to pull off a species change. That just proves that buffalo are screwed and bison rule the grasslands.

Click here if you want video. You do.

Bailey winks at underage floozies and does unspeakable things to every vegetarian he can get his mouth around. He lets the dog ride alongside him in the back only so he can unleash digitally remastered mustard gas into the dog's face. In an unaired interview with owner Jim Sautner, the buffalo's owner admits to having to stop every few miles to scoop up the unconscious dog from the dusty edge of the dirt road.

Despite these foibles, why will Bailey come out on top? Because he doesn't run and he doesn't hide. He doesn't even know how. All he knows how to do is block the shit out of driving engines and ride a shotgun like a sex toy. He stays calm in the face of pressure and comes in the face of pleasure.

While completely saving the Buffalo brand isn't an attainable goal, a lot can still be accomplished. It's all about using the resources at hoof. Bailey has charisma, chocolate genitals, and an endless supply of mustard gas. Just getting his story out there will help the Buffalo cause. Even if Bailey ends up being a fake savior, the days to come can always be digitally remastered.

Run and tell that.