Ultra Music Festival

This guy had a head on a swivel; he was staring at me wherever I went.

8 Reasons why UMF is a Generally Bad Idea:

1. People die every year.

While dying in the sweaty arms of a total stranger isn't the worst way to go out, dying in the sweaty arms of a total stranger who mistakenly thinks you're a blowup sex doll is.

Flag parasite takes over brain function, kills host, sprouts.

2. There are teenagers.

Half the crowd is of an undefinable age, somewhere between born and dying, but it is hard to miss the groups of friends that trip past you with an average age of 17. The part of the crowd that is over 17? Doing their damn best to act like they are 17. It's a Catch 17; the pitcher missed the catcher's signal and the catcher forgot his glove. Playin' hardball.

3. Your hearing takes a serious step toward deaf.

If your eardrums were castles, they just got stormed by a horde of troll whores carrying torture tables that mix broken bones better than wrecked chords. To add insult to injury they were wearing Beats headphones by Dr. Dre, who hates trolls.

DJ AdolfH lays down a sick set of beatings as one supporter cheers.

4. Saying UMF has bathrooms is like saying guys named Slyde don't suck bananas out of unwashed hammocks.

In fact, I think I might have seen some impromptu hammocking taking place behind a few of the outhouses. In any case, I would say out "houses" is an overstatement. "Trailer toilets" might be more appropriate.

5. All the hot girls have boyfriends.

On the rare occasion you are lucky enough to spy a lass with class you must also immediately notice her boyfriend who has his tongue up her shirt and his hand down her throat.

6. Some of the hot girls have shanks.
A trip is a trip is a trip, unless the tripmaster happens to have nothing to chew on but a plastic water bottle. I watched in awe and visceral fear as the cutie next to me took a good four hours out of her day to chew and twist a water bottle into a prison shiv. While the smile on her face told me she was harmless, the sharp tip of the weapon she held told me some life moments should have asterisks. As in: Ultra Life Moment #121*. *Could have been murdered here, the drugs she was on probably saved my life. 


7. The food costs more than a vasectomy, which costs more than you could pawn your self-respect for after attending Ultra. One of the most ridiculous things I've seen in my life: a hotdog, corndog, and fries combo for $20. Yes Ultra, I know everyone there is high rollin', but not that kind of rollin'. I guarantee if you install a cotton candy machine and a stand that sells latex gloves with lotion in them, you could charge whatever you want and make so much money you can open a UMF bank. Then you can buy your own damn ATMs, launder money onsite, and fuck the free world out of more money then you already are. Take that $5 you are making off of every sold bottle of water and get yourself a good rape lawyer, because you bruised more than my ego when you stormed my castle earlier.

8. Tickets. While an original ticket can be had for less than $200, which isn't so bad, once the $60 service fee is processed the shit starts to pile up. Next on your bill is overnight priority shipping, which is your only option. Then, book a plane ticket or buy a fucking yacht, it doesn't matter; you're going broke anyway.

Everyone on this boat faces the same direction. Someone should attack from behind.

Silver Lining
Despite everything I said, Ultra can change lives like domestically abused partners change door locks. The experience can best be summed up with the following quote from an esteemed U.S. Naval officer who I played strip poker with under a palm tree at 4 A.M.:

"After this, prepare to live a hollow and meaningless life thence, because you'll never again have as much fun as those three damn days." 

Backpack watching is the new Baywatching:

Whatcha got in there? Back that pack up!

"Panda, give me strength to cover these shameful loins with neon."

Unbiased research continually points to koalas as the instigators for most orgies.

Yoshi wears small Asians when he want a backpack.

Turtles suddenly aren't as harmless when they train to be ninjas and smile.