Look up "how to be emotionally evolved" on the internet and it will probably tell you to give a hand job to your therapist in order to reach the climax of self-awareness. You can think of that as Generally Bad Advice, even if it is from a collective intelligence of the Internet. I say fuck you therapist, if I wanted your approval I'd send you some naked headshots, and maybe if you're lucky, pictures of my face.
Why would anyone want to become better in the first place? Because there is literally nothing else to do these days. [Baby Boomers, track stars, Whitney Houstons, crawdad fishermen] are getting bored. This is completely understandable. When you have enough food, enough water, marginal amounts of sex, access to basic cable, and buns in the oven, you have to look for something to fill that void inside you. No, I'm not talking about the liposuction cavern around your waist that nobody is comfortable talking to you about... that closed up a long time ago. I'm talking about the perpetual stupor of the unfulfilled. The drive to create something meaningful; to feel useful. The need to return to the old ways; the ways of the young. To Do It Your(goddamned)self (DIY).
When I first heard of DIY I assumed it was a group supporting Donkeys In Yemen, an animal anomaly that scientists have been loathe to investigate because no one gives a jack's ass or a Shi'ite about how many Sunnis there are in Philadelphia. I was completely off base. It turns out DIY just means doing it the hard way, America-style; by baking their own cake, the entire American public was able to sit back with a full bowl of expanded waists and get off on watching the rise of the middle yeast. If you ask the right person, you'll find out we glued an entire region together with no instructions whatsoever and God's Army of One. We simply said "Fuck you United Nations, if America wanted your approval we'd send you grenades filled with permission slips. Save yourself some time and let your jawballs drop right now. Grow up"
My ears ringing with the harmony of political discord and feeling high off my country's recent Accomplished Missions, I decided to take DIYourself to the next level. I dropped in to visit my friends at the neighborhood dollar store and bought myself a whole hell-of-a-lot of lasers. No, I wasn't going to try and make Conan, I'm not that kind of idiot. I was going through a rough patch with my eye contacts and I figured between myself, a few well placed lasers, and Google I could come up with a new eye care plan.
Here's what I learned: Your eyes are your body's prize. Consult a doctor before attempting a self-proctor. It turns out that even 15 low-tech lasers - manufactured by Chinese kids at a factory picnic - don't do shit as far as fixing vision issues. When my eyelashes fell off and my irises started to boil, I thought I saw angels dancing in sugarplum outhouses and tomatoes committing fruitless crimes of passion. I decided to call the whole thing off when the junior I hired from a local alternative education high-school to oversee the operation started to scream. He tried to help me stand up but I did it myself.
The entire experience made me realize that just like the United Nations, I need to grow up and hire the experts to get shit done. If the goal is world peace, call in the doves to drop dirty bombs on terrorists. If the goal is eyes that can see what's going on more than a few inches away, start praying really hard with your eyes open. Eventually you'll be bestowed with the miracle of clear vision; a vision of a future in which you don't:
- wear glasses and look like a nerd
- play fag-tag with your Internet friends
- take screenshots of Pandora's Box whenever she shows off her sexiest see-through songs
- type hard into your diary when no one comments on your Facebook posts
- look up solutions to your problems on Google
- perform reverse psychology below the pantyline (sexual position reference)
There you go. Get out there and realize your potential potential. Live like a rebel. Take off your pants and peel a banana in front of a school bus. Or, if you've really learned your lesson, do the logical thing and hire a recent college grad to do it for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment