"I met a married woman last week and we got matching tattoos."

I personally know very little about astrology. I did a little research. I now know remarkably more about my static destiny than I did 37 seconds ago. Interestingly, I now put infinitely less stock in the viability of one's Zodiac sign to reveal a birthing-period specific personality type. Karl and Dr. Karl is a Virgo. So am I. While he's an asshole fit for two, you'd be hard-pressed to get even the most pompous Leo to utter constructive criticism of my radiant and simultaneously ghostly disposition.

If I did put any stock in the predictive nature of astrology, I would thank my lucky star-sign that I am not a mid-Fall vaginal fall out boy. Scorpios, it seems, are known to be deceptively charismatic, vengeful, secretive, and possessive. Possessive of poisonous tails that can be lethal to beasts of a larger scale, like Doggieos and Racoonios and Cheerios.

If I were a Scorpio I would keep my head down and go about my pre-destined life as if the commonly accepted term for inflatable sport boats had no synonym. If I did decide to brand myself according to my October/November birth in the most permanent of fashions, it most certainly wouldn't be in the form of a red tattoo that looked equal parts lobster and scorpion. If I had already done all of these things I wouldn't do, my lobster/scorpion wouldn't include the initials of a recently separated married woman I met the week prior even if especially if she was a fellow scorpio and offered to do the same... on her pelvic region.

Most importantly, I for damn sure wouldn't provide my semi-internet savvy coworker with photographic evidence of my transgression, enabling him to legitimize his half-baked blog post:

      (Basic interpretation) (Totally legit image)

That would be impulsive. Which just so happens to be a trait astrologically linked to Scorpios. While all of the above constitute Generally Bad Ideas, if the stars do indeed control our destiny, it has become apparent that inventing Scorpios is the universe's way of making sure our species earns no respect from aliens. Thanks Mom... and Dad, if I have one.